For the record my lady is a former model and miss teen everything winner. She barely made it through high school (at least we have that in common), has held so many jobs I’ve lost count, and is quite frankly one of the wittiest, funniest oddballs I’ve ever known (granted not odd as me, but certainly in contention).

Driving home from Luna’s open mic a few evenings ago (where we watched our friend Kareem perform) it hit me: My girl could do comedy. She has spent her whole  life on stage in front of cameras, she’s as witty as anyone I know, she’s absolutely fearless (she was raised in a Hells Angels biker gang … true story.. her father tried to kill me when he found out she was dating me), she’s got endless stories to tell, and she’s a naturally gifted actor (trust me).  So I said, “Honey you know I have been wanting to stand up a long time, but I think you should try it too.”  I thought she would dismiss me as a lunatic. But to my shock she agreed to try it!  I just can’t wait. Stay tuned…

Ok so now that we have “my girl” sorted out, let’s talk about “my shawty” Angelique. Ironically Angelique’s going into comedy, too. But she’ll be performing at different venue come November. Angelique will be performing at a comedy club called “Sac City Council Chamber Improv” on Tuesday nights. She will join knee-slapping local comedic legends Rob Fong and Kevin McCarty on stage for what surely will be some performances to cherish.

Because yes friends, Angelique Ashby has DEFEATED well funded incumbent Shade  Tree Tretheway!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GO SHAWTY, GO SHAWTY, IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY!

Finally the ghost of Fargo will be exiting city hall. Well that’s only partially true.  McCarty and Fong remain.  I was really hoping McCarty would win the assembly seat. Maybe he still can.  That would leave only Fong to carry the Fargo torch. Sacramento couldn’t be so lucky.

Anyway, all joking aside I’m glad to see these changes. I understand Ray was gracious in defeat and has announced his full support of Ashby during the transitional phase. Ray Tretheway certainly did some good things for his district, and he should be applauded for his civil service. Unfortunately he also did some not-so-good things and the district simply outgrew him. I would have respected him a lot more had he just stepped aside and admitted he was no longer a good fit for the diverse district that is D1. But some people are just stubborn. Oh well, it was entertaining race and I congratulate Ashby for her victory and wish Tretheway the best in his future endeavors.

Now if only Ashby can keep putting people before politics….

Ray sits in his office with a small group of people. Suddenly Staffer2 comes crashing into the room, out of breath, his eyes wide and completely out of breath. He is holding his iPhoneand pointing to it.

Staffer2: SIR! BREAKING NEWS!!!

Ray: Gadzooks! You scared the sugar out of me! !

Redacted woman: What is it Lassie!? Did you get the Galston Dart interview!!?

Staffer2:  Better yet!!! [gasping for air] JOE SACRAMENTO is airing a radio show for the next two days to honor you sir for your service to the city!!! I recorded some it so you can hear!!

Sounds of groans throughout the room

Ray [suspicious]: Ol’ bombastic Joe honoring me, Ray Tretheway? Sounds like a double cross. I know his kind.

Redacted woman: Joe Sac launch a radio show? That ninny couldn’t launch a water balloon

Staffer2: Well does everyone want to hear it????

Redacted woman: Well go on sunshine, what are you waiting for? .

Staffer2 presses PLAY on iPhone and puts it on Ray’s desk. Ray stares at the device inquisitively as various clips play…

[Click here if audio doesn't play]

Redacted Woman [disgusted]: You call that a radio show? I’d rather listen to mouth farts.

Ray: Do what now?

Staffer2: Would you like to hear more songs from the show sir?

Redacted woman [grabs purse and leaves]: I can’t do this anymore.

Ray: Actually I like the dedications from all my neighbors . Good to know I am appreciated and that people would take the time to send their regards. Let’s play some more!

Staffer2 giddily re-starts  iPhone playback and Ray starts swaying back and forth to the beat and clapping out of rhythm. At that moment KJ sticks his head in the door

KJ: Hey Ohio Players “Fire”! I love that song! Go Ray Ray, it’s your birthday, it’s your birthday!  Ha ha ha nice to see you. No really whatchya guys up to?

Staffer2 turns off music, Ray looks disapprovingly at KJ..

Ray: How can I help you Johnson?

KJ: Hey I thought I’d drop by and see if you have any thoughts to share about my arts initiative, my green shades program, my education program, my kings arena task force, or my strong mayor initiative?

Ray [scolding]: Hey Johnson didn’t they ever teach you  there’s no “MY” in team?

Staffer2: I think it’s: there’s no ‘i’ in team” sir

Suddenly RE Graswich pops up behind Johnson with a large book in his hand

RE: Uh excuse me but for the record in some languages the word “i” does in fact appear in the word team

Johnson smiles wide and slaps Graswich on the butt: Atta boy Bob! That’s what I’m talking ’bout baby!

Graswich gets bashful and tries hard not to smile

RE: Hehe. Thank you Mr Mayor

KJ: No no no don’t be shy Bob. Come on baby it’s show time give me a pound. Now break it down. Ok ok ok here we go [starting to dance in a circle with Graswich]

Ray: GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!

KJ: Hey hey hey easy does it old timer.  Just think about what we talked about ok?

Johnson and Graswich saunter away

Ray: But all we talked about was YOU and YOUR ideas Johnson!!

KJ turns around, flashes a smile and winks at Ray: I knew you’d get the hang of it sooner or later !

Ray and his staffers sit in Baskin Robbins eating ice cream.

Staffer: Sir the YouTube campaign did not work as some had hoped.

Rat [licking ice cream cone]: Do what now?

Staffer: Well after the sign-grabbing incident, someone went on YouTube and created a whole bunch of user accounts with names like “NatomasCreekside” which is the name of the neighborhood Ashby lives in and posted tons of videos on random subjects to spam keyword searches so when people typed your name into search, they would not see the sign grab video in the results. It’s called keyword spamming.

Ray: Who did that?

Staffer: Errr we don’t uh, we don’t know sir

Staffer2 (turns laptop towards Ray): Here sir you can see one of the videos:

Ray: Hey look at there! It’s President Barack Obama! I like him! [looks closer, gets excited] Hey that says I am leadin in the polls by 64%!!!!!

Staffer: Uh no sir, that’s just part of the keyword spamming part. There was never any such poll, they just made that up.

Ray: Well now wait a minute, why would NatomasCreekside post a video about me with a video of Barack Obama? Isn’t that–whichamacallit— copyright infringement to use that video without permission?

Staffer: Uh yessir it probably is.

Ray: Well I will have no part of any law breaking activities! I am a man of honor!

Staffer: Yessir you are, and as I said we don’t know who posted these videos to try to obscure the the sign grab video in search results.

Ray: Now what sign grabbing video are you referring to?

Staffer2: this one sir (selects another video on YouTube)

Ray: Hey!!!! [starts swaying back and forth with a smile on his face as video plays]

Staffer: Sir?

Ray: I LOVE this song! You know when I first moved to Natomas back in 1721, I remember a feller who–

Staffer: Sir, I’m sorry but we don’t have time for stories right now

Ray [stern]: You listen here you. I know your kind. You never have time for my stories, do you?

Staffer [sighs]: OK sir one story. But make it fast.

Ray [sighs]: Forget it. The moment has been lost. So what does this YouTube campaign have to do with me?

Staffer: Really nothing. Just want to keep you posted.

Ray: I don’t know anything about them.

Staffer: Nope

Ray: Or the puppet mailers.

Staffer: Nope

Ray: And I put people before politics

Staffer: Nope– err I mean

Ray: HA! I gotchya!

Staffer [feigning being shot]; Yep you got me sir.

Ray [happily licks ice cream]: Play that darn song again, that’s an oldie but a goodie boys!

Staffer: Sir polls show you are significantly behind in the council race for district 1.

Ray: Who cares what the polls say.

Staffer: Well, most–

Ray: Let me tell you something sunshine. I have been standing up for neighborhoods without anyone’s help for many many years, and—-  [phone rings, Ray presses speaker button]

Ray: Yellow, Tretheway here

Male voice [raspy]: Paesano’s at thirteen hundred hours capice?

Ray: Uh [looks at watch] ok, yeah, sure.

Male voice: What will you be wearing?

[Ray gets up and walks over to full length mirror on the back of his door and looks at himself up and down]

Ray: Uh khakis and a blue shirt?

Male voice: Ok bye.

Staffer: Whoa, who was THAT?

Ray: Who knows.

Staffer: You don’t know who that was??

Ray: I get all the crazies.

Staffer: But you’re not going to actually go there are you?

Ray: Why not? Could be a darn tootin’ good PR opportunity. Never know, maybe it’s Galston Dart incognito.. have you stayed on KCRA about the interview?

Staffer2: Ahem, yessir I have. They said Galston Dart has a booked calendar through April of 2019.

Ray [in awe]: Gadzooks! Boy oh boy is that man is in demand, or what??

Staffer2: Yeah uh, pretty popular guy for sure

Ray: Well that’s ok I’ll wait. I’ll still be in office in 2019.

Staffer: Not according to the polls

[Door pops open and city manager pokes his head in]

City Manager [smacking gum, adjusting glasses]: Heya Ray, quick FYI for ya?

Ray: Come again?

City Manager: Listen Ray we need to brown out some more fire stations.

Ray: Yeah?

City Manager: Yeah.

Ray: Who says?

City Manager: I say.

Ray: Who are you?

City Manager: The city manager, that’s who

Staffer [gently]: Errr INTERIM city manager ..

City Manager [shrugs, smacks gum]: Same diff cupcake

Ray: So what does this mean to my trees, gardens, forts, and parks????

City Manager: Dunno yet. This isn’t an applied science. I’m not Astrodamus, OK? I rub the numbers, not crystal balls.

Ray: What the pickle is an Astrodamus??

Staffer2: I think he meant Notre Damus.

Staffer [sighs loudly]: People it’s NOSTRADAMUS for crying out loud.

Ray [to city manager]: I don’t want a prediction. I just want the truth. Give me the truth. Can you handle the truth?

City Manager: The truth is, I don’t know the truth. I’m just pulling stuff out of my bum to get these budget numbers to work.

Ray[putting on jacket]: I have a lunch date.

City Manager: No worries [smacks gum more] just an FYI for ya gramps

Ray: What did you call me?

City Manager [feigns confusion]: Do what now?

Ray [exasperated]: Call Ray Kerridge. He’s a math whiz. He’ll have that little budget problem figured out for ya in a jiffy.

City Manager [waves as he walks out]: Yeah sure thing there, Ray.

[sound of city manager addressing someone else in the office  "Hey quick FYI for ya.."]

Cracking the Code

Ray sits at his Sac Tree office desk with a woman in a bonnet sitting in front of him reading the newspaper. We have redacted her name from our transcripts. Ray is on speaker phone on a conference call with his staffers and unidentified people.

Ray: Ok so what do you have to report boys?

Staffer: Sir I have a gentleman here with me named “Radium” and he will be assisting with the code cracking. He is a well known cracker and is working for a very modest fee.

Redacted Woman [perturbed]: How is some hillbilly cracker going to help us decrypt the codes?

Staffer: Ma’am a cracker is someone who cracks codes, you know like safecracking.

Redacted Woman: Oh.

Ray: Ok so are we ready?

Staffer: Yessir

Ray: Gosh this is exciting I feel like I am in a Perry Mason show. Ok here’s what we got Mr Cracker: “BREAKING NEWS: I will be joining #LBJ, #Wade, #Amare and #Bosh to discuss free agency. I now think #Kings can get 2 of them!” with a smiley face.

Radium: Ok so.. right.. wait.. what? Oh! Ok. Hang on here.

Ray: Do what now?

Staffer: Sir he is running the codes through his decoder presumably. right Radium?

Radium: Ok LBJ is clearly a reference to former president Lyndon B Johnson, which is most likely a code name for Kevin Johnson himself; “Wade” likely refers to the acting of “wading” as in wading into water; “Amare” is backwards spelling of “erama” which is no doubt substituting the word “aroma”; “Bosh” is probably short for “Bosch Power Tools”; and free agency and Kings most likely are what we call “red herrings” used only to distract and confuse.

Ray: Wow that is simply amazing mister cracker!!

Redacted Woman: So what the heck does it all mean cracker?

Radium: I think he is most likely saying to his operatives: “Don’t worry about the foul odor you are smelling lately, even though I have only just waded into politics, I will build Team KJ with every power tool at my disposal. ”

Ray: Yippy! We’ve cracked his code!!! Let’s do more! More! More ! More!

Staffer: This is a major breakthrough. I’m calling Marcos Breton.

Staffer2: I will call Cosmo Garvin.

Radium: Someone press the easy button.

Ray: Ok let’s do another one! How about his latest one. It says: “I’m not worried about the West — I’m trying to stack the #Kings!”

Redacted Woman: This is absurd. I am leaving. I have a plane to catch.  [gets up and walks out]

Ray: Well, how about that one cracker? About the stacking kings thing. Can ya crack it?

Radium: Hmm.. sounds like he’s saying he wants to stack all the cards in his favor so he can be king.

Ray: Holy cow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ray sits around conference table as staffers read him bits and pieces of news they’ve collected

Staffer: Kings rookie Tyreke Evans got arrested for doing 100 mph in his Mercedes.

Ray [alarmed]: In MY district?

Staffer: No over near Citrus Heights.

Ray: Maybe he had a good reason to be speeding.. where was he going?

Staffer: To play basketball at a park

Staffer2: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

Staffer [sighs]: Sacramento Police Chief Rick Braziel is interviewing for the chief of police job in Seattle.

Ray: Why the huckleberry would he want to leave Sacramento for the same job somewhere else??

Staffer2: More visibility maybe?

Staffer: Anyone find it coincidental he wanted out of Sacramento not long after Kevin Johnson became mayor?

Staffer2: So did Kerridge

Ray [triumphantly]: Not me boys! I’m here for the long run,  Kevin Johnson or not. No one will force Ray Tretheway out of office. Not even father time!! My retirement party will be my funeral by God!!

Staffer2: Works for me.

Staffer: The city’s Neighborhood Services Dept is merging with Parks and Rec due to budget cuts.

Ray [with great passion]: The NSD?? Oh skippy! Whoever played any part in putting our great city in this terrible budget crisis should be held accountable!! Let’s launch a congressional investigation and weed them out one by one!! Zero tolerance! I want transparency and accountability at city hall and I want it now!!

Staffer: Ehhww yeah, no, sir, the accountability thing is probably not a good idea for you right now

Staffer2: I agree. Might want pass on that one.

Staffer [quickly changing subject]: Hey look, Mayor Kevin Johnson has a new web site name called TEAM KJ DOT COM.

Ray: Do what now?

Staffer: Yep, www team kj dot com

Ray: What’s it for?

Staffer: Well he has his letter about strong mayor, a blog about stuff that interests him or promotes his ideas, news that excites him, photos of him, his Tweets–

Staffer2: Yes he is tweeting some very important stuff like:  “BREAKING NEWS: I will be joining #LBJ, #Wade, #Amare and #Bosh to discuss free agency. I now think #Kings can get 2 of them!  ”

Ray: What the tarnation does THAT mean??

Staffer: Sounds like some sort of code language.

Staffer2: Yes only the mayor and his  team kj team members probably know for sure.

Ray: I thought the city council was his team?! I am completely butterscotched here.  Is he starting a new council?? Is that what this Team KJ thing is?

Staffer2: Maybe he’s starting his own basketball team?

At that moment KJ sticks his head in the door wearing a huge cheeky smile

KJ: Did someone say they were interested in joining Team KJ??

Ray: Errrr I thought we were already on the same team. What is this business about you starting a NEW team?

At that moment a KJ staffer pokes his head under Johnson’s arm

KJStaffer [firmly]: The mayor doesn’t play on anyone’s team. He makes his own rules. He is his own team. “You can join, or you can hate, but whatever you do, don’t be late!”

KJ [giddy]: Funny, that’s what I was gonna say!

KJ and KJStaffer high five each other, give each other a pound, lock elbows, dance around in a circle, erupt into laughter and take off down the hall together singing “get some! get some! you know you want some, kaaaaaaay jaaaaaaaaay, everbody say heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey”

Ray deadpans his staffers: Get on the phone and find me someone who can break the codes Johnson is using on his tweets. It’s time for the roosters to come home boys.

Ray is strolling along North Natomas streets with staffers jogging up to doors and greeting residents.

Staffer at doorway of home: Hello sir I represent Councilman Ray Tretheway how are–   [DOOR SLAMS]

Staffer2 at another home: Is your mommy or daddy here?

Child in doorway: Who are you and what do you want?

Staffer2 in child-like voice: I work for Mr Tretheway and we–  [CHILD SLAMS DOOR IN STAFFER2'S FACE]

Tretheway and staffers meet out on sidewalk where Ray is handing out balloons that say “Celebrate Natomas 2002″  to toddlers. Ray has a huge euphoric smile on his face and his eyes are sparkling in the sunlight. He is chatting with an elderly East Indian man in his 80’s

Staffer [groaning]: This is a complete waste of time, one guy almost decked me a few houses ago!

Staffer2: Dude you think that’s bad! At one house this old lady–

Ray interrupting: Meet mister Mangit he supports Ray Tretheway for council, don’t you Mangit [patting East Indian man on the back]

Ray: So how long have you been living out here in uhhh– [looks at Staffers]

Staffer: Regency Park

Ray: Right!

Indian man: Yes

Ray: What was that you say?

Indian man nods his head and smiles politely, grabbing grand-daughter by the hand, attempting to pull her away, politely waves at Ray and staffers as if to say goodbye. His daughter wants another balloon.

Ray talking loud like the man is deaf: So who are you going to vote for?

Indian man politely smiling: Yes, ok

Ray: Oh you’re going to vote for Ray Tretheway are you?

Indian man smiling: Yes yes ok

Ray talking really loud: Terrific! Well bless your soul sir. Now you make sure to tell all of your family and friends ok?

Indian man: Yes yes  [as he walks away with daughter quickly]

Ray to staffers: You see? They love me out here!

Staffer: Actually sir I don’t think he spoke english

At that moment a KCRA van pulls up and a reporter hops out and shoves a microphone in Ray’s face with his cameraman by his side.

Reporter: So Councilman Tretheway, how are people receiving you out here in North Natomas?

Ray not missing a beat: Oh boy this is incredible. The support has been just..

Staffer2: Overwhelming.

Ray: Exactly yes overwhelming.

Staffers nod enthusiastically in agreement with Tretheway

Reporter: Interesting. We heard the reception wasn’t that great actually. A few neighbors actually called in to–

Ray: Well you heard WRONG Mister. I just now spoke to a gentleman who said “yes yes yes” when asked him if he was voting for me. Didn’t even hesitate. Smiled ear to ear.

Reporter: Do you think that–

Ray: Is there any chance you could get Galston Dart out here to do an on location interview? I think that would be a great thing for the community.

Reporter: Not a chance.

Ray: Well holy cottonball that’s not–

Staffer interrupting: Thanks for coming out today, we have no further comment [attempting to steer Ray away from the reporter by his arm]

Staffer2: Yeah probably not a good idea today we’re about to wrap up anyway. It’s been a looong weekend

Staffer: You can say that again

Ray sits with his staffers and an unidentified woman wearing a bonnet over her head in a cafe somewhere in downtown Sacramento. The woman’s name has been redacted from our transcripts.

Staffer: Sir you have approximately $82,000 in your campaign war chest. How do you want to spend it?

Ray [without missing a beat]: Elvis memorabilia.

Staffer [nearly spits out soda he is drinking]: Excuse me?

Redacted Woman: Did you just say Elvis memorabilia?

Ray: Errr yeah.

Staffer: Sir you have to spend it on your campaign.

Ray: I am

Redacted Woman [agitated]: How’s that?

Ray: Well I’d like to buy the memorabilia and then sell it in an auction to benefit my campaign push.

[everyone at the table looks at each other completely befuddled]

Staffer [tentatively]: Uhh sir you would actually LOSE money doing that. Plus it’s  illegal.

Redacted Woman [under her breath, exasperated]: I don’t even know why I bother.

Ray: Gosh darn it people have some vision. We could amber alert this stuff all over California [holds hands up towards ceiling in shape of marquee] “Come to the great Elvis Presley auction to get the one standing up for neighborhoods elected!!”

[suddenly Kevin Johnson appears and pokes his head into the conversation with a big cheeky smile--startles Ray so bad his soda flies out of his hand]

KJ: Hey yall!! I could be pursuaded to help you promote the Elvis auction to my high roller friends like  gavin newsom, gavin maloof , cosmo gavin, my buddy barack obama, chuck barkley,  magic johnson, al sharpton, jessie jackson, marcos breton, re graswich,  and many many more high profile celebs.Heck I might even be able to get Galston Dart if you play your cards right. Glad to help. Just say the word.

Ray: Did you just say GALSTON DART?????????

KJ [big cheeky smile]:  Sure did Ray.

Redacted Woman [sighs, disgusted]: We don’t need your celebrity pals Johnson. Go on, scram, sycophant.

KJ: Why do people keep callling me that? What is that anyway?

Staffer: Howdy Mayor Johnson

KJ: Hey nice to see ya.

Staffer: A sycophant is someone who uses–

Redacted Woman [abruptly grabs her handbag and stands up, wads her napkin up and throws it on the table]: I don’t need this.

KJ [surprised]: Whoa, easy there, girl. Have another happy  pill would ya. Geez. Nice to see ya!

[redacted woman walks away in a huff with her head high in the air, re-setting her hair as if the wind had tangled it]

Ray [austere]: Mr Mayor.. ahem… I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Now.

KJ [holds up hands as if to surrender]: Whoa now ,easy fella,  you don’t have to ask me twice. I can tell when my ideas are not popular.

Ray: No you can’t.

Staffer: Mmm not really.

Staffer2: Going to have to agree with the guys on this one Mr Mayor.

[KJ is suddenly distracted by a man in a suit wearing dark sunglasses, an earpiece, and a gun and holster in plain view]

GunSuit: Sir, we have to roll. The boys are hungry.

KJ [turns back to Ray and company]: Guys, nice to see ya!

[KJ then dawns dark glasses and GunSuit whisks him through the crowded diner, out the door, and into a black SUV with dark tinted windows where several others are waiting. Ray and company watch in awe as KJ climbs into the SUV and it peels away, leaving several TV reporters shouting unanswered questions in its wake]

Ray [dryly]: Glaston Dart would be pretty amazing

Staffer and Staffer2 [nodding enthusiastically]: Agreed sir…. totally agreed… very tempting… would put you on the map for sure..

Sacramento Press ran an article about how Ray Tretheway considers the registering of a domain name bearing the likeness of his name “identity theft.” Disrespecting every child who has ever been kidnapped and every parent who has suffered tremendous pain as a result,  Ray likened this flap to “an amber alert.” 

You may recall I wrote about a similar incident when–during a town hall meeting a few years back called by Sacramento Police and Angelique Ashby–Ray likened a burglary in his garage by a 14 year old kid to a “home invasion.” What is wrong with this guy? Seriously. Where’s his compassion? Where’s his sense of relativity?

Funny, the good Mr Tretheway once emailed me and accused ME of being bombastic???? Takes one to know one Ray. And it takes an identity thief to know an identity thief, too Ray. YOU are the one who STOLE Noel Martin’s likeness for  your campaign mailer, sir. Your people told him he was posing for an image that would be used to promote Kaiser Perm. Instead you used his image for your political mailer. Nice one Ray. If that aint identity theft I don’t know what is.

It’s all good, Ray. I’m not mad at ya. I just think it would be nice if you stopped  contradicting yourself for a change, and I think you owe John Walsh and everyone involved in stemming the tide of child abductions a sincere apology.

Ray sits in his car with his two staffers. Staffer in the front seat, Staffer2 in the backseat on his laptop typing away

Ray: What is so gosh darn private that we can’t discuss it in my office?

Staffer: Well sir we have a bit of a problem with the latest campaign mailers we sent out.

Ray: What problem?

Staffer: Well, one of the people we featured on the front of the mailer– uhhh Noel Martin– is the leader of the Natomas Chamber of Commerce and, well, he claims he didn’t give us permission to put his image on your mailer and he’s a bit uhhh excited.

Ray: Great story. Send it out to the press immediately. Next agenda item.

Staffer2:  No sir I don’t think you understand. He’s not happy with you. He’s not giving you props.

Ray: I don’t need his props. Ray Tretheway’s stage is prop free.

Staffer to Staffer2: Read him the guy’s statement.

Staffer2: His statement reads “I was told by Tretheway’s staff  I was participating in a press release announcement for Kaiser coming to Natomas and I intended for my participation to be pro-Natomas, not pro-Ray Tretheway.”

Ray: Where in the world did you hear that?

Staffer2: The Natomas Buzz.

Ray: Do what now?

Staffer: It’s a neighborhood blog.

Ray: I don’t know how they do that stuff. But tTell me the whole thing again so I can properly analyze it.

[staffer2 repeats entire statement]

Ray: [sits in silence listlessly for a minute or so as staffers look on.. then slowly and somberly]: Boys, I’m afraid this sounds like another quid pro quo job. Do you reckon this feller is part of the Sacramento Dirty Dozen ?

Staffer: Do you mean the Sacramento 60?

Ray: Them too.

Staffer: No sir he’s just a little guy running a little business in a little neighborhood out  in the SDHDUSA.

Ray: What the pickle is the SDHDUSA??

Staffer2: The super duper high density urban sprawl area sir.

Ray: Hey that’s MY district!!!

Staffer: Yes sir. Hence the problem.

Ray: Hey listen– I stand up for neighborhoods. I am the one who made sure North Natomas streets were lined with trees. If this feller is angry with me he can come down to city hall and tell it to my face.

Staffer: Right.  Orrrrrr you could call him and you know, “clear up any misunderstanding”… if ya know what I mean.

Ray: Well, I guess that’s always an option, too. …… yeah…… let’s do that one.

Staffer2: The Natomas Buzz wants a statement.

Ray: Tell them we will call this feller to clear up any misunderstanding. Anything else?

Staffer: Yeah one more thing. On the other mailer you crossed out the bullets we had and made your own comment about trees and forts.

Ray: How about them apples?

Staffer: Sir I wouldn’t advise those exact words.

Ray: Why not?

Staffer: Because… well….. they’re just….

Ray: Too honest??? Is that what you want to say??? Go ahead and say it!! Say old Ray is too honest. I can handle it.

Staffer: Oh sir. You are just too honest.

Ray:  Yeah right! I’m going for dinner [getting out of the car].

Staffer: Ok we will keep your changes sir (winking at staffer2) – trees and forts it is.

[door slams, Ray walks away]

Staffer: Disregard his changes. Go with the original.

Staffer2: Got it.

Staffer: Also, how is the YouTube campaign going?

Staffer2: Excellent.