Ray and his staffers sit in Baskin Robbins eating ice cream.

Staffer: Sir the YouTube campaign did not work as some had hoped.

Rat [licking ice cream cone]: Do what now?

Staffer: Well after the sign-grabbing incident, someone went on YouTube and created a whole bunch of user accounts with names like “NatomasCreekside” which is the name of the neighborhood Ashby lives in and posted tons of videos on random subjects to spam keyword searches so when people typed your name into search, they would not see the sign grab video in the results. It’s called keyword spamming.

Ray: Who did that?

Staffer: Errr we don’t uh, we don’t know sir

Staffer2 (turns laptop towards Ray): Here sir you can see one of the videos:

Ray: Hey look at there! It’s President Barack Obama! I like him! [looks closer, gets excited] Hey that says I am leadin in the polls by 64%!!!!!

Staffer: Uh no sir, that’s just part of the keyword spamming part. There was never any such poll, they just made that up.

Ray: Well now wait a minute, why would NatomasCreekside post a video about me with a video of Barack Obama? Isn’t that–whichamacallit— copyright infringement to use that video without permission?

Staffer: Uh yessir it probably is.

Ray: Well I will have no part of any law breaking activities! I am a man of honor!

Staffer: Yessir you are, and as I said we don’t know who posted these videos to try to obscure the the sign grab video in search results.

Ray: Now what sign grabbing video are you referring to?

Staffer2: this one sir (selects another video on YouTube)

Ray: Hey!!!! [starts swaying back and forth with a smile on his face as video plays]

Staffer: Sir?

Ray: I LOVE this song! You know when I first moved to Natomas back in 1721, I remember a feller who–

Staffer: Sir, I’m sorry but we don’t have time for stories right now

Ray [stern]: You listen here you. I know your kind. You never have time for my stories, do you?

Staffer [sighs]: OK sir one story. But make it fast.

Ray [sighs]: Forget it. The moment has been lost. So what does this YouTube campaign have to do with me?

Staffer: Really nothing. Just want to keep you posted.

Ray: I don’t know anything about them.

Staffer: Nope

Ray: Or the puppet mailers.

Staffer: Nope

Ray: And I put people before politics

Staffer: Nope– err I mean

Ray: HA! I gotchya!

Staffer [feigning being shot]; Yep you got me sir.

Ray [happily licks ice cream]: Play that darn song again, that’s an oldie but a goodie boys!

Ray sits with his staffers and an unidentified woman wearing a bonnet over her head in a cafe somewhere in downtown Sacramento. The woman’s name has been redacted from our transcripts.

Staffer: Sir you have approximately $82,000 in your campaign war chest. How do you want to spend it?

Ray [without missing a beat]: Elvis memorabilia.

Staffer [nearly spits out soda he is drinking]: Excuse me?

Redacted Woman: Did you just say Elvis memorabilia?

Ray: Errr yeah.

Staffer: Sir you have to spend it on your campaign.

Ray: I am

Redacted Woman [agitated]: How’s that?

Ray: Well I’d like to buy the memorabilia and then sell it in an auction to benefit my campaign push.

[everyone at the table looks at each other completely befuddled]

Staffer [tentatively]: Uhh sir you would actually LOSE money doing that. Plus it’s  illegal.

Redacted Woman [under her breath, exasperated]: I don’t even know why I bother.

Ray: Gosh darn it people have some vision. We could amber alert this stuff all over California [holds hands up towards ceiling in shape of marquee] “Come to the great Elvis Presley auction to get the one standing up for neighborhoods elected!!”

[suddenly Kevin Johnson appears and pokes his head into the conversation with a big cheeky smile--startles Ray so bad his soda flies out of his hand]

KJ: Hey yall!! I could be pursuaded to help you promote the Elvis auction to my high roller friends like  gavin newsom, gavin maloof , cosmo gavin, my buddy barack obama, chuck barkley,  magic johnson, al sharpton, jessie jackson, marcos breton, re graswich,  and many many more high profile celebs.Heck I might even be able to get Galston Dart if you play your cards right. Glad to help. Just say the word.

Ray: Did you just say GALSTON DART?????????

KJ [big cheeky smile]:  Sure did Ray.

Redacted Woman [sighs, disgusted]: We don’t need your celebrity pals Johnson. Go on, scram, sycophant.

KJ: Why do people keep callling me that? What is that anyway?

Staffer: Howdy Mayor Johnson

KJ: Hey nice to see ya.

Staffer: A sycophant is someone who uses–

Redacted Woman [abruptly grabs her handbag and stands up, wads her napkin up and throws it on the table]: I don’t need this.

KJ [surprised]: Whoa, easy there, girl. Have another happy  pill would ya. Geez. Nice to see ya!

[redacted woman walks away in a huff with her head high in the air, re-setting her hair as if the wind had tangled it]

Ray [austere]: Mr Mayor.. ahem… I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Now.

KJ [holds up hands as if to surrender]: Whoa now ,easy fella,  you don’t have to ask me twice. I can tell when my ideas are not popular.

Ray: No you can’t.

Staffer: Mmm not really.

Staffer2: Going to have to agree with the guys on this one Mr Mayor.

[KJ is suddenly distracted by a man in a suit wearing dark sunglasses, an earpiece, and a gun and holster in plain view]

GunSuit: Sir, we have to roll. The boys are hungry.

KJ [turns back to Ray and company]: Guys, nice to see ya!

[KJ then dawns dark glasses and GunSuit whisks him through the crowded diner, out the door, and into a black SUV with dark tinted windows where several others are waiting. Ray and company watch in awe as KJ climbs into the SUV and it peels away, leaving several TV reporters shouting unanswered questions in its wake]

Ray [dryly]: Glaston Dart would be pretty amazing

Staffer and Staffer2 [nodding enthusiastically]: Agreed sir…. totally agreed… very tempting… would put you on the map for sure..

Possible Ashby Slogans:

“Vote Ashby: Because serving your community is about more than planting trees, building forts, and cutting ribbons.”

“Finish what you started Sacramento; vote Ashby in and vote the rest of Heather Fargo out!”

“He let one side of Natomas go to pot; don’t let him neglect the other! Vote Ashby for city council.”

“Because neighborhood watch is too short on resources to stake out city council staff.” (Paid for by Natomas Residents for Change)

“Vote Tretheway out and Ashby in.  Because Wal Mart is short on greeters and Sacramento is short on leaders.”

“Who the $#@% is Ray Tretheway anyway?” (Paid for by Ashby for City Council).

“Rain, rain go away, and please take  Tretheway.”

Possible Tretheway slogans:

“Vote Fargo. Vote Tretheway.”

“I like Ray.”

“Check out my new website. Anyone got the correct URL?”

“Vote for status quo. Vote for Ray.”

Bonus Tretheway Campaign Staff  Conversations overhead:

“A sign a day will keep the pesky challengers away.”

“You idiots should have known not to pull signs in North Natomas. That God foresaken wasteland is like the frackin’ neighborhood watch mothership! They are BREEDING crime fighters over there!  What were you thinking, Jerry!!??”   “Uh sir my name is Dan and you were the one who gave me the order to remove the signs, sir.”  “Oh sure, blame it on Ray, like everyone else.”

“Jerry call up the Monarchs and get me tickets for tonight’s game. In fact get me 100 tickets. I’m going to bring the scout troop with me for this one. Let’s get this mother bleepin’ campaign off the tarmac!!”  “Uh sir, my name is Dan and the Monarchs are no longer in town.”   ” What??! When did this happen??!!??”  “Sir they have been gone for almost a year now.”  “Well then dag nabbit you get those Maloof playboys on the line right this instant because that is too long of a road trip for those poor girls!! What is this world coming to!!?”

“Jeff bring my car around and call my security detail” [tosses keys to staffer]. “Uh sir it’s Dan, and your wife drove you to work today, and I’m pretty sure you don’t have a security detail.. last time I checked.” “That’s it call a press conference right now with every stinkin’ media outlet in town, including that Cosmo fella and the the guy with the typewriter from the Bee!”  “Uh sir I have no way of summoning every media outlet in Sacramento.”  “Sure ya do, just go pull another Ashby sign or two on Del Paso Road near that Sharward feller’s house, genius.”

Got any more? Let’s hear ‘em!

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-$-H-1-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far assss kissing will take you.

A-S-$-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshite and A$$ Kissing that will put you over the top.

See? I told you the secret was right under your eyes!

If you’ve ever worked in an office–or within any type of group for that matter–you can’t argue with this logic. You know it’s true.

Trouble is, some people don’t like sucking up. Admittedly, I am such a person. Paying due respect to those in a position of authority? No problem. Having a professional relationship where I respect you and you respect me as an equal human being? Sweet. I’m in. But shmoozing? Where we only laugh at your jokes and your opinion is always superior to mine and everything’s always about you? No thanks.

True leaders don’t take pleasure in being served; they take pleasure in serving.

Only thing I will add is that money will get you a little ways, too. Just ask OJ.

Happy Hump Day Sac Town!

Let’s get a pool going on on how long he’ll last in the MayorCorps. I give him six months max. Poor guy