The Bee posted an article today about a guy named John Marcotte who would like to see divorce BANNED in California. According to his web site, John (a “concerned Christian”) believes Prop 8  “didn’t go far enough to protect the future of marriage.” His solution?  Literally chain spouses together  for life with no possibility of parole. Clank!

John refers to himself as an “accidental activist,” but let’s kick the euphemisms to the curb and get real: he’s either an extremist, a fool, a smart ass or some hybrid thereof. There isn’t much room for any other scenarios. Actually, it appears as though the Bee was duped. On his web site John says “As I walk down the street, often people ask me, “John, how can I avoid the hell-fire and torment of eternal damnation?” When it comes to marriage the answer is simple: Never get divorced. Ever.”

Define bombastic. Clearly John’s just making a statement. Passive, sardonic aggressiveness towards the passing of Prop 8 if I had to guess.  Either way, as a champion of marriage and someone who actively ministers married couples and who is in the process of opening a marriage ministry in Sacramento, I’ve got a lot to say about this because I think it raises some interesting questions.

John’s idea–as deliberately bombastic as it is–presupposes people don’t RESPECT marriage, and posits they WILL if they are forced to stay married (well that is the literal interpretation of John’s idea, I think it’s safe to say this is a publicity stunt engendered by John’s frustration over the passing of Prop 8, but bear with me). Besides being preposterous, that idea is so fallacious it’s almost comical. The problem is NOT that people don’t respect marriage,  many of them simply don’t  know HOW to stay married.  See all those “irreconcilable differences”  statements on those dissolutions, John? What they’re really saying is “We didn’t know how the heck to live together and no one was around to teach us how.”

John’s idea  makes the fatal error of attacking an effect and not its root cause. Blaming divorce for the deterioration of marriage is like blaming the sun for a backyard full of weeds. Why? Because the weeds would have never been exposedto the sun in the first place had the owner been taking care of the backyard!

There are tons of ROOT problems that cause marriages to fail, but one of the most common  is LACK OF TRAINING. Isn’t it amazing how cavalier our society in general  treats marriage? We act like marriage is something anyone can do with no training whatsoever. Not so with driving. Before we allow people to drive on our roads we force them to study, learn, have their EYES checked, and actually PROVE they can operate a motor vehicle before granting them a license. Why don’t we take similar steps before we allow them to marry? Easy, because people can draw a direct line from bad driving to the loss of life and property, but they can’t from marriage to divorce.

So one of the main problems in my opinion is that nearly ANYONE can get married. We require a six month waiting period for divorce, but not for marriage. It should be the other way around! Now there is some legislation I could get behind: 6 MONTH WAITING PERIOD FOR MARRIAGE and mandatory training. As it stands all you do is pay a fee, sign your name, and away you go. No financial training, no conflict resolution training, no home economics training, no childrearing training, no mutually agreed-upon code of conduct (other than perfunctory marriage vows people forget the moment they walk out of the church together) no mentorship, NOTHING.

Furthermore, to ban divorce would remove its power in the matrimonial equation as a very real DETERRENT. Granted, it doesn’t deter 50% of married folks, but it DOES deter those who UNDERSTAND the pain and destruction that goes with divorce. Some people know that pain from having seen their parents divorce, others because they have divorced themselves. But in all cases, these folks find a way to marital compromise because the ALTERNATIVE (which John would  jettison if he were king) is unacceptable to them.

Divorce, while deplorable in this layman’s opinion, is sanctioned by God himself, and John can easily verify this claim by opening his Bible to the part where Jesus says “..because of the hardness of your hearts..” Moses made an allowance for divorce. Both the Old AND New Testaments make an ALLOWANCE for divorce because God evidently accepts the hearts of men are  HARD by NATURE, and many will inevitably fail the marital test.  If we removed divorce as a way out of marriage, we wouldn’t be strengthening marriage, we would be ensuring NO ONE would ever want to partake in it again, which would all but guarantee its EXTINCTION!

If you want to plant a couple of trees, you get two seeds and plant them in fertile soil. You then water daily,  make sure they get the right amount of sunlight,  put scaffolding on them when they are mature enough, and so forth.  In time, and after they have been tested by adverse conditions, they will grow strong enough to stand on their own–at which point the scaffolding can be safely removed.The same exact principles can be applied to the planting, growth and overall health of  an enduring marriage.

Not so with John’s idea. As a means to an end,  John’s idea doesn’t nurture marriage, it penalizes it.  It confines it. It smothers it. It literally tosses both seeds into a box,  slaps a heart-shaped lock on the box, and then commands the seeds to grow. And if they don’t grow? Tough luck. Die together for all I care, just stay in your box.

Sorry, but that’s not the way you restore the sanctity of marriage in this country. If we are truly sincere  about rescuing marriage, we need to start teaching people how to be successful at it, not threatening them with, e.g., fines or jail time for not complying with marital laws. I can think of few things more dangerous to the sanctity of marriage than literally forcing its principals to stay together under the threat of reprimand.

Finally, if such a law were enacted, people would likely just stop getting married. How does that hep marriage? John claims divorce is a huge expense in our economy. Well I guarantee marriage is a huge contributor to it. Kill the marriage industry in California John and then let’s talk money.

All that said, I’m glad John hoisted up his gadlfyish idea. It’s always WONDERFUL to see marriage back in the headlines.